One Way to Reduce Stress through Self-Talk
We live in a culture which is constantly asking us to self-define. To articulate clearly
and concisely what you are and what you are not. To create a brand. To build an image.
Those who are unable or unwilling to describe themselves this way are often portrayed as
adrift and confused pushovers. I would argue something different.
I believe that with every act of self-definition there is a tradeoff. Every time you stand
proud and say “I am this way” you implicitly say “I am not another way”. In doing this, we
build our own prison brick by brick. Consider someone who works hard every day. They are
able to grind because they understand that they are working towards a better life. They take
pride in their work, and will declare to others that they meet “I am a hard worker”. You may
know a person like this. I know several. Then comes a time where circumstances conspire to
prevent them from working. It may be an illness, or a job loss, or a lazy sunday with nothing
to do. They implode. They are unable to take time away from work because to do so
threatens their self-concept. I use this as an example because ‘hard worker’ is almost
universally agreed upon as a positive trait. I am sure you can think of other examples. The
person who says “I am kind” and has difficulty standing up for themselves. The person who
says “I am strong” and struggles to temper that strength with compassion. The person who
says “I am sad” and feels discomfort in joy.
People generally want to be viewed as consistent. If you declare that you are a
certain way, you will likely feel compelled to live up to that definition. To do otherwise is to
open yourself to accusations of hypocrisy. The truth is that life is complex, and individual
situations call for different actions. If you want to keep the flexibility that will allow you to
thrive in life’s many environments, you must be prudent with your self-definition.
So I invite you to make a small change in how you speak to yourself and others.
Rather than saying “I am____”, say “I can be __”. You will be amazed at the difference it
can make. Saying “I can be hard working” also implicitly says “I can relax”. Saying “I can be
strong” makes a moment of weakness okay. Saying “I can be sad” prevents that sadness
from being all you are. Adopting this language keeps your options open, makes it more
challenging to attack your identity, and promotes flexible curiosity rather than rigid definition.
It is a small change that can have a big impact.
Maybe you feel differently. If so, let me know. I can be flexible.