There are all sorts of ways to improve your relationship, but an easy one is to make sure that
you can pause conflict. This one change can make a big difference for how productive your
conflict is.
Look, we have all been there. You are in a fight with your partner and it’s gotten bad. You
are really upset and they are too. Everyone is talking, but no one is listening. Maybe there is
a lot of yelling. Maybe there is a lot of tense snapping at each other. In any case, it is unlikely
that you will suddenly resolve the issue. This is where calling a break can be helpful.
It’s not your fault. Our brains evolved to have basically one main threat system, and that
system is the same whether you are running from a bear or fighting with a loved one. As you
can imagine, these situations call for a very different skill set. When enough threat is
perceived, we flip into a flight/fight/freeze response and we lose a lot of our ability to
rationally take in a situation. This is where you are likely to say hurtful things that your
partner will remember for years, and where you are unlikely to remember anything useful
about what they said. When you hit that fight/flight/freeze, it’s best to take a minute.
When I say take a minute, I actually mean at least 20 minutes. Use that time to separate and
think about something else. Here are some things you can try:
- Something that occupies your mind, but is not too demanding (E.g. dishes, folding
laundry, listening to a podcast). - Something physical like pushups or going for a walk. One of the ways our brains
recognize that we have escaped a threat is through physical activity, so doing some
physical activity can help you exit fight/flight sooner. - Mindful and calm breathing. Breathe in to a count of 3 and out to a count of 4. A
longer exhale is how your body naturally breathes when you are calm. While
breathing try to notice the physical sensation of breathing as much as possible.
Pausing a conversation is not the same thing as avoiding it forever. Make sure to return to
the conversation after you are calm! This may take longer than the 20 minutes prescribed
above, but after 20 minutes you should touch base and set a time to return to the
conversation if you are not calm yet. The goal is not to avoid all conflict about difficult
subjects, it’s to do that conflict well.
Here is your action plan: - Notice when your conflict has entered fight/flight/freeze.
- Call a break for at least 20 minutes and go do some sort of calming activity.
- Either return to the conversation after the break, or set a time to pick the
conversation up again.
You might be surprised at how much this can help reduce the tension in the house.